Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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