You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize