The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
