Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
