Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
