my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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