Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
