It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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