I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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