I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
