Betty ford says i'm here all night
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
