Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
