guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize