so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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