So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
