When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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