I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
