i love accidental penises.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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