i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
