i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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