I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
