I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
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