You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
