my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
