Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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