i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize