I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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