Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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