I want you more than these girls want KFC
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
