I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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