Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
NoShamevember. You game?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
