I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
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