I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Every concussion has its silver lining
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
