i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
