I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
