hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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