I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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