Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
