Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I feel like abortions should bother me more
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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