I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
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