What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
