I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
