you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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