the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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