did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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