he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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