I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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