Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
