Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
