I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
