So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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