Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Randomize
