She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
