hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
