Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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