I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
