I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
