Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
