Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
