just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
