Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
